Monday, July 18, 2011

Dear Journal,

So often, I forget that you're here and that you are a medium for me to sort things out. I forget that I don't have to always have someONE to bounce ideas off of, that I am capable of determining a path, and sticking to it. I forget that, sometimes, it just helps to write it all down.

Journal, Diary... You've gone by several names over the years. And even though I am inconsistent in my visits, I always come back to you. You are quite loyal to stick around, but you're always there when I need you.

And, here we are again. I am at a crossroads. A parenting crossroads; I do not know which route to take. I know this is only the beginning of many, many times I will run in to a situation that requires and desires contemplation. And I know I will ultimately zero in on the best plan for myself and my family. But for now, I am ensnared by this decision.

I know what I want, but that is not happening. I know what I was told, but I am dissatisfied with that answer. Therefore, I am trying to make peace with the two, and there are several directions for that to take. Needless to say, I am an oscillating queen, right now, waffling back and forth between the routes, turning from one direction to the next, and wondering how to start the process for any of them.

Journal, which do I choose? And regardless of the peace I make with my choice, how do I start? How do I begin that path? I know. Begin first with a step. Find my balance. Put the other foot in front. Find my balance. Repeat as necessary.

And believe me when I say I am fully aware that I am not special. I know women have been making these decisions for generations. But I am special in that this is MY decision. Steve is wonderful and is supporting me, with whichever direction I choose, but it is mine to make.

I don't think this would be as difficult if I knew we were having more children. But even if we wanted more, we can't, so it is truly the end of the line for me, which compounds the choice. But, I will take my time, weigh my options, and determine my best route. I will put my foot forward. And find my balance. And I will move forward.

Regardless of my decision, Journal, thank you for sitting here, patiently, waiting for me to return to you with another dilemma. We'll chat soon.

No comments:

Post a Comment